Letter to Dr. Laura

Every so often I come across a cherry piece of text that I am particularly fond of.  My first response after reading it and enjoying it at face value is to research it's validity using websites like Wikipedia and Snopes.  The following was purportedly a letter to "Dr." Laura Schlesinger - a woman who I will not introduce here as I would rather my blog was not a tribute to her in any way shape or form.  Although the examination of this Letter to Dr. Laura proved it had a murky past I still feel the message contained within is timeless and makes a a quality statement regarding the issue of same sex marriages.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
 Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A 
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
 Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned 
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a 
fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is 
in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem
is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
 creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my 
neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I
 smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
 Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
 obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is
 an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
 homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 
'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if 
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading 
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
 wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the 
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by 
Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
 makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two 
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
 garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester 
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really 
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
 together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to 
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
 with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
 considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and 
unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
Unknown Author